By Mike McMahan, LPC

Evan Rachel Wood has been in the news quite a bit lately, due to her lead role on the fascinating new HBO series Westworld. The series deals with robots in a futuristic amusement park who endure all matter of violence in an Old West setting. The robots’ memories are then wiped and they repeat the experiences over and over. However, as the show opens, they have become sentient and begin to remember what has occurred in their pasts. The show itself provides plenty of food for thought on how we deal with trauma as well as providing a commentary on how the entertainment industry (and HBO, specifically) uses violence (especially sexual violence against women) as a plot device.

Wood gave a recent interview with Rolling Stone in which she dropped some serious knowledge bombs about bisexuality and psychiatric struggles; talked about her years ago relationship with aging shock rocker Marilyn Manson who is 17 (!) years her senior; and hinted at a history of sexual violence in her own life. While the matter is oblique in the actual interview, she clarified in a powerful statement on Twitter that she had, in fact, been raped twice. “I will not be ashamed ... I don't believe we live in a time where people can stay silent any longer. I certainly can't. Not given the world we live in with its blatant bigotry and sexism.”

Kudos to Wood for being brave enough to speak out on this matter. While certainly no one should be required to acknowledge such a matter publicly, each time someone does (especially someone who is famous), it chips away with the stigma associated with being sexually assaulted. There are many recent cases in the news in which young men have received light sentences or in which the judge has implied that the victim is somehow to blame: this reflects our so-called “rape culture.” The strength of someone like Wood may show that women (or men) who have been assaulted do not have to accept some sort of blame or suffer in silence for fear of persecution.

What impressed me the most about Wood, however, was not her bravery in speaking out but, instead, her acknowledgement that her role in the show was therapeutic for her. “Good God. I left so much in that first season and never looked back,” is a great attitude to have. When I have worked with sexual assault survivors, I talk about their path to recovery as a journey. Though I obviously wouldn’t wish trauma on anyone, people may come out on the other side of their recovery from the experience much stronger. In this case, Wood, who is magnificent in the show, is able to use past trauma to inform her performance and inhabit the character in a way that many other actresses would not have been able to. Given that one of the primary themes of the show is how we move on from trauma, it could be that the role itself will be key in her realizing new opportunities in her life. To be clear, I am not suggesting that survivors “get over it.” What I am suggesting is that one’s status as a survivor may allow mastery of new skills and that these survival skills may be applied successfully in other areas of one’s life.

If you have been assaulted and wish to speak to someone about the experience, consider your local Rape Crisis Center. You can also seek assistance via RAINN.

 
Mike McMahan, LPC is a psychotherapist based in San Antonio, Tx.

By Mike McMahan, LPC

Recently, both CNN’s Brianna Keilar and standup comedian Patton Oswalt have shared deeply personal thoughts on the recent deaths of loved ones; in Keilar’s case it was her mother, while Oswalt lost his wife.

​Brianna Keilar detailed her experience to the network that employs her, CNN. Keilar went viral during coverage of the presidential election after a conversation with Donald Trump’s lawyer. On the heels of this success, she thought that her key challenges this year would be career-related, but instead she faced the passing of her mother. Keilar’s mother died less than 24 hours after being diagnosed with leukemia. She still managed to find a balance between work and life, even though her mother was seemingly her biggest fan, hooked into the primaries like her own “reality show.” The experience provided Keilar with insights into what matters in life and led to a shift in perception towards a greater appreciation in her life. A death can provide these types of lessons, especially for those who choose to embrace the positives of what the tragedy may teach or show them, and look for ways to keep the spirit of their departed loved ones alive.

Oswalt’s piece is similarly personal and has an open-ended aspect, as the cause of his wife’s death is undetermined by the medical examiner at this time. Nonetheless, he too has thrown himself back into his work, which is standup comedy. The idea that comedians are “sad clowns” is not a new one, and the public was reminded of this when Robin Williams committed suicide. In the article, Oswalt admits that he has suffered from depression in the past, but grief is different from depression, though grief can certainly morph into depression after some amount of time. It makes more sense that he could tell jokes after his wife’s death when you consider the “sad clown” aspect of his chosen career, though he could have faced significant barriers that Keilar didn’t have to deal with. After all, while she missed her mom, her job is very serious and if she seemed slightly more serious, well, who would notice in a reporter? But a comedian wants to make people feel better via laughter. How does one do this when you’re hurting inside?

This idea of throwing yourself into work is an obvious commonality in both pieces. When a person suffers a loss, sometimes returning to normal routines can be comforting. Human beings are creatures of habit, and many of us find comfort in daily routines and rituals. On the other hand, many experts suggest that maintaining rituals for family events can be difficult and suggest that a death is an opportunity to establish new traditions. Consider the difficulty of the first Christmas without a beloved family member. If that person was very active in the Holiday traditions, their absence will be felt acutely. Some ideas include holding the gathering or celebration at a different house, or doing an activity that might not have been done before, such as going to a movie as a family. Of course, these things are not one-size-fits all. Some families choose to maintain traditions as a way of honoring the family member who has passed, which is understandable and may be therapeutic in different ways. After all, when someone dies, they will live on in our memories and hearts, and many choose to honor the person in that way. Some also find comfort in asking “what would my family member want me to do?”

In working with clients who have experienced a loss, virtually every single one says “my loved one would want me to go on and live life to the fullest.” Oswalt’s statement that he will “never be 100% again” struck me as extraordinarily sad. I am not remotely questioning how he chooses to feel or process his wife’s death, and he certainly may be right. But given that he has a young daughter to raise, he may not feel that way in the future and I am skeptical that his wife would want this (without knowing her, of course). I believe strongly in the basic goodness or people and choose to believe that they want the best for loved ones, even after their passing. His wife was giving her all to the true crime book she was writing, so she understands passion, commitment and achievement, which is why I believe she would want him to live to the fullest. For his own sake, and that of his daughter, I hope that he gets where he wants to be and finds peace.

Facing a significant loss is one of the most difficult things we face in life. If you are struggling with a passing, please reach out to a mental health professional or a doctor. There are people and resources who can help at these difficult times.


Mike McMahan, LPC is a psychotherapist based in San Antonio, Tx.