By Mike McMahan

Oftentimes, when clients tell me their story, they choose words and relay events that support their overall perceptions of their life. If the client feels they have “anxiety,” they talk about times where they became anxious. If they feel that a poor relationship with their father is causing problems in their current relationship, they tell me about the history of conflict with their father and events that seem to demonstrate that yes, this is a mess. Right now, this very minute!

If you come away from this blog with one thing, please let it be the lesson that we (consciously or subconsciously) develop a narrative of our lives and include or exclude events that fit our current narrative. If you need a great example of how this process works, let’s take a look at a fan re-cut “trailer” for the memorably bad film Batman and Robin, which claims to be updated “in the style of Christopher Nolan.” And we all know that the Christopher Nolan Batman films are the best since (at least) the Tim Burton ones, if not the best ever.

As you can see, this video adds no new footage to the film. It simply presents what is already existing in a new fashion. Ask yourself these questions: what is actually different about this trailer? What makes it “better” (assuming that you agree that it is, in fact, better).
This is something that I work with my clients on any time they tell me about their lives. Many of us could benefit from thinking about “new edits” in our own lives as well. A cue that you might need to reconsider your version of events is if you find yourself speaking in absolutes, such as “I always fail” or “Nobody ever listens to what I say.” Speaking broadly, these types of statements are easy to punch holes in and when I hear a client speaking this way, I often must bite my tongue to keep from shouting “Not true! You told me something that contradicts ‘always’ just two minutes ago!” Of course, that’s not really my job and would likely not be appreciated. As the conversation unfolds it is important for the client to feel acknowledged and heard before the collaborative work of shifting a narrative can be considered, let alone begun.

Think back to an event in your life that you wished had turned out differently. I recommend that, for this exercise, that you be write down your version of events in 5-7 broad sentences. Now ask yourself: what are you leaving out? What absolute statements (“always”, “never”) are you including that should be re-examined? Are there assumptions about other players in the story (for example, “he said that because he doesn’t like me.”)? Is the outcome or perception of your story different in this new edit?

And, once you’re considering this shifted perception of events, what have you learned that you can apply moving forward?

 
Mike McMahan is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Antonio, Tx.

By Mike McMahan

I've seen actors say in interviews that comedy is harder than drama. It always seemed counter-intuitive to me, but I have never acted. But if that is true, Sacha Baron Cohen must have the best acting chops in the world. He absolutely destroyed as Borat and Bruno; when I read that he had agreed to star as late Queen frontman Freddie Mercury, I thought he would be perfect. An experienced actor who even looked like Mercury. But then, I never heard anything else about it.

However,  now that Baron Cohen is promoting his new movie The Brothers Grimsby, and he explained to Howard Stern what happened to the Freddie Mercury movie. Turns out he wanted to deliver a movie about the debauched rock 'n' roll lifestyle, while the surviving members of Queen wanted something tamer, PG-rated and inspiring. But I really enjoyed Baron Cohen's explanation that “The problem is — and I think it’s with any biopic, and I fully understand why Queen wanted to do this — if you’re in control of your rights and your life story, why wouldn’t you depict yourself as great as possible?” 

Great question. The funny thing is that in all likelihood every single person reading this article is in control of those two things (if I have any famous readers drop me a line...). One of the premises of Narrative Therapy is that we often see our life as a story, even though we don't realize it, something I've addressed before. Baron Cohen's quote is a perfect way of thinking about life succinctly, and a great attitude to have when beginning to ask ourselves some of the questions about what might be holding us back.

When I am working with a client and using a narrative perspective, I will try to work with them to identify who or what is the antagonist (or villain) in their story. It might be someone in their life. It might be drugs or alcohol. Or, even more likely, a combination of many things. But once that antagonist is established and we're working together to create a narrative, it becomes a question of altering the life story in order to either "defeat" the antagonist or, perhaps more realistically, learn coping skills and ways to deal with perceived problems caused by the antagonist. Many factors can shape this therapeutic journey. Sometimes it may involve perceiving yourself (or your "character") in a different way, and perhaps identify strengths that you didn't recognize or weren't fully applying.

But as you make that journey, whether or not you make it with a therapist, what Sacha Baron Cohen said: "...if you're in control of your life story, why wouldn't you depict yourself as great as possible?"


Mike McMahan is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Antonio, Tx.

By Mike McMahan
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Kudos to Lady Gaga, star of stage and screen, for being willing to come forward as a sexual assault survivor. While she has been open about her past for some time, just recently she gave an interview to Billboard in which she put her emotions on full display. As I've written before, coming forward can be a challenging experience.

According to the article, she was struggling with the same type of emotions that many survivors wrestle with. However, she was preparing to perform a song calling attention to the issue that night on the Academy Awards before an audience of millions, something most other survivors don’t have to face. A group of other survivors was scheduled to appear on stage with her, and she met with them, showing how nervous she was about performing. One of the other women told Lady Gaga that she wanted to get matching tattoos with her to express solidarity. The idea was embraced by all of the survivors who appeared on stage, something that will no doubt remind them of the power of the experience.

Being a part of the group and getting the tattoo may have provided the survivors with two things that can also come about during psychotherapy. The first is a feeling of validation, which comes when a client is heard by the therapist and feels that his or her point of view has been taken seriously and credibly.

The second feeling is one of normalization, which is a feeling a client gets when they feel they are not alone, “weird,” or abnormal and that other people feel the same way, especially if they have faced similarly adverse conditions. The most powerful example I have seen occurred when I observed a group at the Childhood Bereavement Center. One of the things they do is have a dinner with the children and families in which staff is present. A counselor greets the group and welcomes everyone and reminds the kids present that everyone has lost someone close to them. Though no other formal therapeutic activity occurs during dinner, it seemed clear to me that kids could be helped to know that other kids lose parents (for example) at a young age, though they may not have friends or classmates that have to struggle with this as children.

I believe Gaga may have provided the survivors with a similar experience.

So, if these were clients, where would they go from here? Well, the experience with Gaga might be the beginning of a new narrative in which they are people who have triumphed over a very challenging situation. Though trauma can be obviously difficult, many people find themselves to have transformed into stronger people as a result of having survived and worked through the experience.

Maybe the survivors that Gaga highlighted were already there, and the tattoo is a reminder of how far they’ve come on their journey. Or maybe some are just starting that journey. Or maybe someone in the audience started that journey as a result of Gaga’s gesture. That’s how helping is… You put the seeds out there and hope they find fertile ground and take root.

 
Mike McMahan is a psychotherapist in private practice in San Antonio, Texas.